As a therapist in Los Angeles, I often hear from clients that there is someone in their life who is drinking heavily and that they're worried about them. I remind my clients that although they cannot control the behavior of others to force them to get help, they certainly can influence their behavior by sharing genuine concern, providing support and offering helpful resources.
I get it. Talking to someone about their alcohol use is a delicate balancing act -- you want to find the words to express your feelings, but not be so harsh that you cause the other person to become defensive or dismissive. Here are some key strategies to help you navigate this sensitive topic with care and effectiveness:
1 | Share Genuine Concern
When you speak to your loved one about their alcohol use, it’s important to share your genuine concern. Let them know how much you care about them and how you see alcohol impacting their life. Emphasize how much you want them to be happy and healthy. Remind them of their strengths, what you appreciate about them, and why their life is valuable. This approach helps your loved one feel valued and understood rather than judged.
This approach can also be particularly effective when done with a group of loved ones including family and friends who are also concerned about this person's alcohol consumption.
2 | Provide Specific Resources
Do your homework ahead of time and be prepared to share specific resources that are relevant to your loved one. Instead of just urging them to “get help,” recommend a specific 12-step fellowship group that meets in their area. You could also suggest a treatment center or a therapist you’ve gotten a referral to, one that is accepting new patients and is accessible and affordable. Providing concrete options shows that you are serious about helping and have put thought into your suggestions. It also reduces obstacles for the loved one to actually get the help they need.
Don't know where to start? PsychologyToday has a great "find a therapist" function that is an easy-to-use resource for finding therapists, support groups and treatment centers. One of the best features is that you can filter search results by zip code, clinical specialty (like alcoholism) and insurance.
3 | Speak from Firsthand Experience
If you have gone through the same issue or a similar issue, share what helped you. Speaking from firsthand experience can be incredibly impactful. It helps your loved one feel supported and not judged for having a problem. This approach reduces the stigma of seeking support for mental health struggles. Instead of your loved one feeling like they're being told there's something wrong with them, they'll more likely feel like they are one of many who struggle with mental health. Lastly, your story can provide hope and demonstrate that change is possible.
4 | Ask Open-Ended Questions
Engage your loved one in conversation by asking open-ended questions. Ask if they’ve ever felt like alcohol has had a negative effect on their life, and if so, what impacts it has had. Inquire about what their life might be like without drinking anymore. People are much more likely to open up when asked about their perspective rather than being told what they should do. This approach fosters a more open and honest dialogue.
5 | Don’t Try to Force Change
It’s natural to hope that your conversation will lead to your loved one deciding to stop drinking. However, it’s important to recognize that ultimately you don’t have control over whether they quit drinking or not. Unfortunately, with alcoholism, people often need to hit a “rock bottom” before they are ready to make a change. Trying to force change can damage your relationship. Instead, practice encouraging change without being overly attached to a specific outcome. Your support and encouragement can plant the seed for future change.
One way I encourage my clients to see this is to expand their view of what a successful interaction looks like in this situation.
Instead of seeing it in binary terms of:
"It was successful if they go to a treatment program and it was unsuccessful if they don't go to a treatment program,"
...try seeing it this way:
"I had a challenging conversation with my loved one about their alcohol use. They listened and took my resources. This is the best I can do, which is a success."
6 | Find Peace in What You Cannot Control
The 12-step program uses a powerful statement called the Serenity Prayer adapted from the words of Reinhold Niebuhr which goes like this:
“Grant me the serenity to accept what I cannot change, the courage to change what I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
This affirmation can be a helpful one to keep in mind when speaking with your loved one about their alcohol use. It can remind you to find peace in the things that you cannot control.
Final Thoughts
Supporting a loved one struggling with alcohol use requires patience, empathy, and careful planning. I understand from personal experience how painful it is to watch a loved one struggle with addiction. I know how tempting the urge to fix the situation is to alleviate their suffering. Remember that all you can do is provide support, and ultimately your loved one is the only one who can end their own suffering by seeking professional help. I wish you peace.
Crisis Support
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Disclaimer
This post is meant for educational purposes only and isn’t a substitute for diagnosis, assessment or treatment of mental conditions. If you need professional help, seek it out.
About the author
Hi! I'm Natalie. And my passion is helping ambitious, creative millennials achieve everything they want in life, career and relationships. I provide in-person therapy in Pasadena and online therapy throughout California. Click here to get started.
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